She was aware of him. Since before she could remember she had known him, and now he was so close to her, that if she spoke his name aloud, he would great her with his eyes. The thought of him looking at her was almost too much to bear. Would he even notice her? Or would he see her perfectly, and notice the desperate look in her eyes. The look that seemed to say, "I love you, but you terrify me!" She whimpered in cowardly fear, closed her eyes, and hid her face in the tendrils of her long blond hair.
Maybe she could get away without arousing his attention. The room seemed so small now, and there were only four other people in the room. The others were couples, come to find a place in the library to make out. One girl looked at her and gave her a hidden smile. She thought she mouthed the words, "I know what your waiting for," before looking back at her counterpart.
Did she know? wondered Angela as she looked back at the strange girl who was now mesmerized by her partner. She knew both of them, yet were friends with neither. What was the use of friends? thought Angela tiredly. There was no one in this world that mattered to her but him. No one.
He looked over the back of a cute little novela about an airplane ride. Angela knew, because she recognized the cover, and had read the book before. She hoped he would read it, so that they could have one other thing in common. How she wished he would look up at her! But of course she didn't wish that at all, and hid beneath her hair again.
What would she say to him if he turned to look at her? Should she go up to him instead? It was mortifying for her to ponder these silly things whilst other kids were kissing. But she couldn't help the foolishness of her thoughts. They came and went so quickly it was much to difficult to keep track of each one!
Angela giggled to herself. Then she clamped her hand over her mouth, and was more mortified than ever. She couldn't allow him to turn around and find her laughing to herself! He'd think her insane, and she wouldn't blame him for such a thought.
The girl that had smiled at her not many moments before gave her a caustic look this time, because she really didn't want to be bothered with the quirks of this strange girl when she could be kissing her boyfriend...or was he the girls boyfriend? Angela hadn't the faintest idea about that, and so, she thought about it for awhile, and tried to guess. In the end, she discerned that he was her boyfriend, and this made her very contented. It was nice to think that some people found happiness.
She smiled weakly at the girl, signaling that she was "fine", and the girl took her at face, or rather expression, value. It was nice to think that somebody cared, no matter how little.
"Whatever drove me to go to the library in the first place?" she wondered, looking anxiously at the door. But she could not leave. HE was standing in the isle just before the doorway. She would never be able to get past without him looking at her as did. Now do not think that Angela never wanted him to look at her, because that assumption is quite false. She wanted him to see her, but under her own terms. Also, she was not prepared for the task yet. One needs certain tools before addressing a person they fancy. Angela had no tools now, save her sarcasm, and that wouldn't do at all! No boy wants to be criticized in a humorous manner by a girl! The thought was appauling, and rather made Angela a bit upset.
The carpet of the library was a brightly checkered green, which made Angela dizzy. The checkers seemed to rise from the ground and dance before her eyes, which only made her more nervous. This was no time for a carpet to dance, and certainly the entirely wrong place for it to be doing such a foolish thing. She wondered if the boy saw it too.
He smiled at the novela he had been looking at. Then he sat down at a long wodden table, and prepared to read it. "Yes!" she cried out, but in a tiny whispers cry, and almost jumped up in elation. It was time! she could just grab any book, and then sit down next to him, or better yet, across from him! That meant that he would have to look at her eventually, and it would be under Angela's own terms.
Arming herself with a pencil, and grabbing whatever book touched her fingers, she proceeded to go sit at the table. It was no trouble at all to sit down and pretend to read. she held the book, low, so it wouldn't cover her face. The time was clearly now, and it was up to HIM to look her way. She was ready.
(Till the next post)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Here is a quick run through. I found the girl's character rather angsty, so I didn't focus on the storytelling aspect. I did focus on the grammar aspect though. Here is the rundown by paragraph. I underlined everything that needed improvement and ordered what could be done to make it better, in order of appearance.
1. Replace this with a period to avoid making a run-on sentence.
2. Capitalize "now".
3. Typo, should be "greet"
1. Delete the comma. Conjunctions like "and" don't need commas in front of them unless it is connecting more than three items. (So sentences like "I hate Jimmy, Teddy, and Fred." have commas, but sentences like "I love John and Adam." don't.)
2. Word choice: I suggest replacing this with "that had come"
1. Word Choice: repace with "was".
2. Thoughts should have quotations around this thought. It is the same thing as any normal piece of dialogue, except it isn't spoken. You might want to consider dropping the "thought Angela" so that it is consistant with the other thoughts.
1. Delete the comma. "because" shouldn't have a comma behind it. This is because commas are used to pause in the sentence, where "because" is used to continue the sentence without stopping. Just to show you how wrong it is, let me demonstrate with the first sentence of this explanation.
"This is, because commas are used to pause in the sentence, where "because is used to continue the sentence without stopping."
You see? The comma stops the momentum of the sentence, which is the exact same thing your comma does.
2. Get rid of the ", and". I suggest replacing it with "; she"
3. This sentence needs to be re-written. At the moment the two parts of the sentence aren't related to one another. For it to be an action-reaction pair, you need to write it something like this:
"But she didn't want that at all, so she hid herself behind her hair."
1. Join these two sentences and get rid of ". B"
1. Rewrite this sentence so it combines with the first one.
2. Delete the comma.
Gah, can't finish!
i wanted to do give you a detailed crit, so here i go:
hope it was helpful.